"There are a carrot, a pile of pebbles, and a pipe lying together in the middle of a field." Eleanor looked at Simon. Simon let a sigh. "I was a snowman that melted." "Ok that one was easy, how about, A man is found shot to death in the front seat of his car; a gun lies out of his reach in the back seat. All the windows are closed and the doors are locked; there are no bullet holes anywhere in the car." Eleanor had been questioning Simon all night. She had foud out the full potentuial of Lake and she tought she might aswell have some fun with it. "The car was a convertible" Simon began to close his eyes. "Ok hears the deal you get the next one and ill let you get some sleep." Simon reopened his eyes. "Right, deal." Eleanor went over to Lake's computer and began to search the internet. "Ya ready?" Simon nodded. "A man in uniform stands on the beach of a tropical island. He takes out a cigarette, lights it, and begins smoking. He takes out a letter and begins reading it. The cigarette burns down between his fingers, but he doesn't throw it away. He cries." Simon began to think. He thought of the buring cigarette and how the man probbaly didn't feel the buring of it. What would destroy the nerves in fingers? Simon closed his eyes to think. Insted of thinking he drifted to sleep. Eleanor was about to wake him up. Just before she did. She rememberd all the things Simon had done for her today. She left Simon sitting asleep on the couch and hopped up to her room.
Simon woke up many times that night but never went up to his bed. The sound of heavy rain on the windmill always put him to sleep and the storm was nice to listen to. The fire was still going due to is naplam infused wood which left the room nice and warm. Simon walked around on all fours to make his seat softer, he curled up into a ball and dug his claws into the cushion and fell asleep once again. He loved to sleep, it was the perfect time to think about the day, tommorow or even new tricks. But it normaly took him ages to actualy fall asleep due to his brain still being heavly active. A few hours later, Lake woke up to the sound of cracking and hissing. He rose from his well-deserved slumber to find Eleanor making something in the kicthen. "Good morning, say you wouldn't happen to have any eggs would you?" Simon wiped his eyes and yawned. "Let me get dressed and i'll go out side and lay some." "Thats another thing I admire about you-" Eleanor replied. "It's 8 in the morning and you still can be a smart-arse." Simon went upstairs to his room and pickd out a greenish duffle coat, aswell as a blue shirt to put on. He opened the front door and pulled on some small rubber boots to prevent his feet getting muddy. He turned the corner of his windmill and said aloud. "Hello ladys" He was of corse talking to the two chickens he kept at the side of the windmill. Both of them looked at Simon with their beedy eyes. They had taken up residents on a upturned wooden cart and sat perched apon it. Simon walked up to them and asked them. "You wouldn't happen to have any eggs would you?" They turned their heads with one eye each fixed on him in the hope of some food. Simon went over to a old shack and pulled out a bag of chicken food. He grabbed handfuls of it and began to throw them behind his back. The two chickens lepted off the cart and flapped their wings trying to fly over to the food. Simon began to search the garden for eggs and eventualy found three. Simon looked at the three eggs with confusion. "Alright which one of you isn't pulling your weight?" One of the chickens looked at Simon. "Ive got three eggs here and there are two of you." The chicken simply clucked at Simon and resumed eating. Simon gatherd the eggs and walked back inside to give them to Elenaor for her cooking.
"Well that was painful." Simon expressed as he walked in. He noticed the masive amount of smoke coming out of his oven. "What have you done?" Eleanor turned and seemed not to notice. "Ive made breakfast." Simon aproched his oven. "What are you making? A steamed buffalo?" Eleanor resumed cooking and responded "No thats the ham. Im making it very well done." Simon sat on the table. "By the amount of smoke coming from that oven, I think you've just over did the term 'nuke it'." Elanor started to use the eggs Simon had placed on the side. "Well?" Eleanor looked at Simon who had his tail in his mouth. Simon spat his tail out. "Well what?" Eleanor began to plate up what she had made. "Well, did you get the puzzle I said yesterday?" Simon went over to help Eleanor with the oversided plates. "Oh, yea" Simon said whilst nodding. "Aren't you going to tell me?" Eleanor aproched the oven. "Why should I. You already know." Simon scuttled over to the window and opend it. "I have told you to stop doing two things since I met you. One its to stop chewing your tail and two is to stop being a smart-arse, honestly if you chew your tail one more time im going to cut it off." Eleanor pulled on a rope that connected to the oven handle. Simon said while placing a small fan infront of the open window. "The man was reading a letter from the doctor explaing that he could have leprosy, looking that his hand had been burnt and he didn't feel it. It confirmed his worries that he had the condition." Eleanor was pulling harder on the ropen as Simon put cotten buds in his ears. When Eleanor pulled open the oven, the room erupted into a thick black fog. Simon had placed the fan facing outside and it blew some of the smoke out the window. After a few second the fire alarm went off and a screaching, beeping noise started to emerge. The cotten buds Simon had put in his ears muffled the sound slightly. Both of the chipmunks had retreted to the living room. "Id say the hams done." Simon said in a friendly tone. "You just broke the new rule." Simon wiped the soot off his glasses. "Rules? When did they come into effect?" Eleanor pussed Simon into the kitchen. "Right now. Rule one is STOP BEING A SMAT-ARSE. And no broken rule is without punnishment. Yours is to deal with the smoke." Simon began to cough. "Your just lucky im not asmatic."
A long while later Simon had rescued his kitchen from the black smoke. He took his place back on the table and began to cough up black clouds. Eleanor took the now shriveled up ham that looked like charcoal. "Well that looks, dry." Simon said getting the remainder of the blackness off his glasses. "Actualy I think its just right" Said Eleanor poking it. The ham then gave up on existing and will a small puff, turned into a pile of ash. "It was ment to do that." Eleanor finished plating up the rest of their breakfast. "Im sure it was." Simon said in a reassuring way. "So, Ive got the time table for the day, unless you've got some thing with Sinders to do." Simon went to thinking. "Well any shows for the next mounth have been canceled." Simon began to eat the breakfast made for him. He wasn't sure what it was but diddent ask because he thought that would be rude. "What did all the rabbits get loose?" Eleanor joked. "Err, no. Are you farmiliar with a iron maiden?" Simon pointed to his left where a metal coffen stood. "Yes, they have spikes in them don't they?" Eleanor responded. "Yes, this particular one that Sinders was using had retractable spikes. I told him to test all of the spikes, but he didn't listen. And lets just say that the doctors won't need to remove his appendix because the iron maiden did it for them." Eleanor dropped her giant fork. "You know I am eating?"
"You asked what happend to him." Simon said stabbing the mixture that Eleanor layed out for him.
"You said something about an agenda?" Simon said not wanting to this abomination of food. "Ah yes, What i was thinking we sould go to the police sation and you could present your theroy." Eleanor presented. Once again Simon had to waste a perfectly good day getting hauled around the place. "I wouldn't think of that as a agenda, rather a request." Simon narowed his eyes. "Oh come on Simon, you know you love it." Eleanor was trying to persuade Simon. He didn't know what this could mean for her. She could become famous for a diffrent reason, other than being a talking chipmunk. If things go well, she and Simon could start up a buisness. Like be the first chipmunk private investigaters. She thought of the fee they could charge for their serveces. They could become very, very rich. She would be able to get a new house. A really big one. With a pool. Simon on the other hand was quite happy living the way his has been. "Come on, Simon. I want a new house." Simon was rather confused. "New house?" Eleanor began to explain herself but gave up half way. "Come on, im begging you!" Simon gave in. "What's the magic word?" He said this with the indication that he was going to help. "Abra cadabra?" Eleanor replyed. Simon squeezed the bridge of his nose. "Close enough." Simon looked down at his food. "Your boyfriend's a cook isn't he" Eleanor nodded. "Good" Simon replyed. "What? Why is that good?". "Because, that was awful."
Both of them got readdy for the outting. "So any fresh ideas how we get there?" Eleanor asked. "Do you have any 'magic' teleportation device to get us over there?" Simon went outside. "Yes actualy." Eleanor made a laugh. "Really?" She said quite impressed. "Oh yes, Its called a car." Eleanor punched Simon in the arm. "Rule one." She said to him. Simon and Eleanor took a little walk in the area that Simon lived in. "Where are we going?" She asked. Simon pointed to a pathway that went into a small forrest. "So did you grow up around here?" Eleanor became a bit more inquisitive about Simons origin. "Nah, I grew up in Cork. I moved there when I was very young. And came back." Eleanor looked around at the trees and the sun that shone off the water. "Hmmm, where's Cork?" Simon guided Eleanor through the forest. "In Ireland." Simon said. After 15 minuets they came across a large house. "Who lives in there?" Asked Eleanor poking her head around Simon. "My closest neighbour, im sure he'll give us a ride."
Simon knocked on the door of the house. A tall, thin haired man awnserd. "Hello Simon." He greeted. Simon introduced him. "Eleanor, this is Fred the sound guy. He does the effects at Sinder's shows. Fred the sound guy this is Eleanor." Eleanor greeted Fred the sound guy. "Say Fred, could you give us a ride to the police station." Simon said scratching the back of his head. "Sure, let me just go clear a few things up first." Fred the sound guy went back into his house. Loud russeling noises came from inside. "Whats he doing?" Eleanor asked. Simon shruged his sholders. Fred the sound guy came back out and helped Simon and Elenaor into his car. "Why are you going to the police station?" Fred the sound guy asked the chipmunks. Eleanor responded before Simon could. "Where helping out on a murder case." She said with pride. "Sounds pleasent." The ride didn't take too long. "Well, here we are." Fred the sound guy open the car doors for the chipmunks. "Thanks, caio." Simon said to Fred the sound guy. "Man, he seemed strange." Eleanor told Simon. "He's nice when you get to talking."
Simon and Eleanor waited patiently in the station for the detective that was working on that day. A woman came up to them. "Detective Proximal will be with you soon." Eleanor sunk into her chair. "I guess you know him." Simon said. "And judging by how far you are in that seat, you two don't get along." Simon deducted. "Oh whatever gives you that idea?" Eleanor was sinking deeper into the chair. "Well what I just said for a start." Just at that instant Detective Proximal enterd the room. He was a very tall man, his hair was brown and combed over on one side. He was wearing a brown drench coat that look two sizes too large. "Ah, Miss, Eleanor." He said with a crooked smile. "How, unwanted."
"Well its nice to see you too." Eleanor squeeked from deep in the cave she had created. Proximal looked over at Simon. "Who's this?" He said with a nudge of his head. Simon stood up and began to intruduce himself. "Nice to meet you, im Simon Lake and-" At that point Proximal cut him off. "Hey that great, if I new you where bringing a friend Miss, Eleanor. I would have canceled." Proximal turned back to Lake. "You know who you have here?- Simon shook his head- Well Mr. Lake what you have here is one of the only chipmunks to be charged with theft, trespassing, impersonating an Govenment official, harrasment, fraud, vandalism and my personal favourite arson. She has the largest crimminal record for a animal. Ever. And each time ive been there to find her. But she won't go to jail or pay a fine because she's an animal. And cannot be charged" Simon looked quite shocked at Eleanor. "Arson?" Eleanor came out of her hole. "Well I was making breakfast and-" Simon raised his hand. "Ah, say no more." Eleanor felt a bit sick and fully emerged from the grove that swallowed her. "Well what do you wan't." Proximal asked. Eleanor seemed to be in no state to talk so Simon filled in for her. "Well we believe that we have some infomation for you about the Lincraft case." Simon scanned his eyes up and down the detecive. "You know, the one that you've been up all night thinking about." Proximal was a bit surprised to hear that. "What do you mean?" Simon ran his fingers through his hair. "Well the many paper cuts on your fingers, meaning you would have been turning pages an awful lot. The masive purple bags under your eyes and the slight imprint of 'Lin' onthe side of your left hand." Proximal looked at his hands and fingers. Everthing that Simon said was true. "Alright, come this way."
Proximal led both of them into a interview room. For the rest of the day and well into the night all three sat discussing about the crime. Well Proximal and Lake did, Eleanor sat quietly and akwardly. After many hours Proximal said. "If what you say is true all we need to do is find a syringe and everythings solved, happydays we can all go home?" Simon nodded his head. "Yes but we have no idea where it is." Everyone sat in silence untill Eleanor spoke out. "Well we could always go back to the house and see if its still there?" Proximal sat up. "What kind of idea is that, we go up there and say 'Sorry we didn't plan this in advance but can we rummage around your house for a bit and look for a syringe." Then it hit Simon, the term 'plan this in advance' rung round his mind for a bit. He stood staring into blankness, perfectly still. "Are you alright?" Proximal asked Lake. But he didn't move. "Ah, this must be that abstract mind thing he was talking about." Eleanor stated. "That scream" He said. "That scream that everyone hear before mrs Lincraft wound up dead. Are you sure it was her's?"
Simon, Eleanor, Proximal and a few police cars drove to Lincrafts house to confront him. Proximal knocked on the door and Lincraft awnserd. "Hello, mind waiting in the kitchen for a bit?" Dozens of poilcemen stormed the house and dragged Lincraft into the kitchen before he could say a word. Simon and Eleanor soon followed everyone. "I would imagine the basement." Simon said. A few policemen wanderd down intothe basement just as Simon instructed. Eleanor and Simon walked into the kitchen where Proximal had stored Lincraft. "Im sure you need no introduction to these two?" Lincraft looked down at the chipmunks "Detective Lake whats going on?" Proximal looed down at the chipmunks. "Did he just call you detective?" Proximal asked. Simon pointed at Eleanor. "It was her idea."
Eleanor came into the spotlight. "Well, Mr. Lincraft we are here to solve the murder of your wife." Lincraft gave a little laugh. "Well that good." Eleanor jumped onto the kitchen side. "Yes, and my friend Lake is going to explaine exacatly how you did it." Lincraft steped back and seemed to grab something, but no-body noticed. "But i was outside when it happed, there are even witnesses" Lincraft pleaded Simon joined Eleanor ontop of the kitchen side. "Well this was quite strage case indeed. You outside, her inside. A scream is heard and your wife ends up dead. A crim that would have taken quite a while to prepare, given these circumstances. Here's how I think it happened."
Every night for at least a month, mabey longer. you would take a sample of blood from your wifes neck. Presumbaly when she was sleeping. I don't know how you did it, but the blood was frozen in the shape of a knife, my only guess would be a mold of some sort. Then the day you decided to kill her. You knew the market would be on. Who in their right mind would try to murder someone when tones of people would be there to see or hear it. But that was the whole point, you wanted to be seen. Argument come quite often in a marrage from little things. Wouldn't be that hard to start one. And then the execution of the whole thing. After the fight you walk out and are seen by the whole town. And heres the thing that threw most people off. The scream. It was assumed the scream came from Mrs lincraft being attacked. But it wasn't. That scream everyone heard was actualy pre-recorded and set on some timer to play. Now everyone's thinking that she is being murderd, when actualy she's fine. You walk into the house and take the frozen blood knife and chase her into the living room. The windows are bolted so she can't escape. And the rest speeks for itself. The knife melted away and you have an alibi."
"You know what Simon? That is the most unbelivieble story i have ever hear in my entire life." Proximal said. "Well if your fellows in the basement find a syringe, then the rest would speek for itself." Everyone in the kitchen waited for the search in the basement to come to an end. After a little while a police officer came into the room holding a bag with a bloodyed syringe. "Oh come on, you can't possible believe his story? Can you?" Lincraft looked a bit uneasy. "Well its better than your story!" Proximal grabbed Lincraft's shoulder before getting elbowed in the nose by him. "Ow..son of a.." Proximal held his nose and staggerd back. The next thing to happen can only be discribed as 'ironic'. Lincraft had something planned before they even got thorugh the door. Whilst Simon was talking he had hidden a meat cleaver behind his back. Once Proximal had been hit back. Lincraft now had the perfect time to lunge at the Chipmunks. Eleanor saw this coming a darted out of the way. Simon on the other hand wasn't fast enough. The cleaver hit Simon. What was so 'ironic' about that? It was because of something Eleanor said to Simon before. If you out your tail in your mouth one more time im going to cut it off, And thats exacly what happend. Simon turned around to see a meat cleaver sticking out of the kitchen side. The cleaver had blood on it. Not alot bit it was still Simon's blood. And behind the cleaver was a small fluffy part of Simon. He twisted his head to look at his back and saw a stump that was his tail. "Ah." Simon said before passing out. Lincraft was quickly aprehended with a tazer and taken away. Eleanor wen't up to Simon to see if he was still alive. Proximal was the last one too speek. "Well that went well, alright everyone you can bugger off now." Proximal stopped a nearby policeman. "You might want to call a doctor for him, wait... i mean a vet."
A few days later Simon was alowed to leave the vet and found Eleanor waiting for him. "So, how are you feeling?" Eleanor asked. Simon and Eleanor walked down the road. "Im fine, I guess." Eleanor lent back to look at Simon's tail. "Sorry they couldn't stick it back on." Simon was feeling a bit depressed. "I was rather getting sick of climbing trees anyway." He said in a upbeat tone. "Well look on the bright side, I won't have to keep telling you to stop chewing it."
"So is that it? Is this all now over?" Simon asked Eleanor. Eleanor started to laugh. "Not by a long shot Lake. Say I really should introduce you to my sister."
Well there we go. The only thing I can really say is if you got the pun in the title.
The next one will be put of FanFiction.net
So, thanks for reading I guess. - SS